10 Ways to Skin a Cat

As you may or may not know, you can ask us to blog about anything by clicking the link in the top right. Especially if you remember a story from days gone by or just want to know...I don't know.....things. This question just came over the wire from 'Cornelius' and is getting an immediate response due to the urgent nature of the situation at hand.

"I have a question. I'm dating a smoking hot fine ass cool as shit girl. However, her demon cat gored my face earlier today. My face is bleeding, my pride is hurt and owning cats borders on pointless to me as I've been a dog owner my entire life. I would like at least 10 suggestions of things I should do. And when's the next time I can come over and drink away my sorrows?" - Cornelius


We've all been here, fellas. You meet the most amazing woman of your life at some random place, ask her out on a whim and there's nothing but fireworks the entire time.

It's all like, "You like food!? I like food!! That's so wieerrrrddd! It's like we're the same person! Wait - let me gues - did you go to high school? [shock and amazement] ME. TOO." (as you stare dreamily into her eyes)

Alas, you get back to her place, already thinking about where your harpoon will go in this new space, how awesome living together will be since she is - of course - your soulmate.

However, as you enter the dwelling, there is an immediate sense of cold. Evil. Death incarnate.

You don't want to admit to yourself that you just heard it, but you did. A piece of plastic with a bell in it is ringing somehwere. And that's when you realize, this is the place where relationships come to die.

"Say hi, Paris!! Teehee!" she says as she buries her face in its shedding, outrageously fluffy face, with its two demon emerald eyes locked on you at all times. Those eyes are saying, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. This is not your day to die. But it can be. I am the master of this domain."

The girl with the cat. An age old problem, and has been the silent battleground men fear to even talk about in front of their significant other. And we don't even talk about it with guys, for that matter, because "Psshh...it's JUST a cat, dude." but we all know it and fear it.

Cornelius, I'm sorry for your battle wounds, and I admire your courage in coming forth to this forum for guidance and support.

10 things to do about this situation:

1. My first thought was, of course: cat in bag. bag in river. This is NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS. Trust me. Because then, you buy the girl a puppy since Paris 'ran away' and you are the sensitive, loving, cat-hair-free man of her dreams again.

2. Many cats are exotic, from far away lands. The Egyptians even had cats, for god's sake. Call INS, have the cat deported. Your hands are tied here, it's THE LAW. Don't let a cat stand between you and the love of your country. Or between you and that beautiful woman.

3. If the cat wants war, give it war. The best and most difficult way to diffuse this situation is to fight and win. Staring contests with the cat, throwing it, and establishing an 'alpha male' presence in the house are all effective ways to handle this.

4. Feign allergies. Since you don't want to go around fake-sneezing and rubbing your eyes raw so they'll be red, be sure that you come up with a convincing yet low-maintenence allergy. Like, I don't know, rabies.

5. IMMEDIATELY BURST INTO TEARS. Don't look at the cat, curl up into a ball and start going on and on about your high school sweetheart, relative, or close friend that passed away. Talk about how she loved cats and you just can't stand the sight of them. Everytime you see a cat, your heart breaks all over again.

6. Ask her to go on a romantic vacation. Have someone burn down her house. It's risky, and its a felony, but its also a life sans-feline.

7. Also, now that you're injured, I say milk that for all its worth. I'm saying, she should fan you with palm branches and feed you grapes.

8. If you decide that you love this woman, this is a perfect way to guilt her into staying with you for the rest of your battle-scarred life. Just tell her over and over again how lucky you are to have her because - well - "who could love this face other than you after [choke up slightly] what happened with me and Paris."

9. Also, you should definitely make up a better story for other people about what happened. Depending on the nature of the wound and the people asking about your horrible disfiguration, you could have done anything from save babes from a burning building all the way to a bar-fight. Oh! You're a crime fighter. You're like - BATMAN or some shit. Just tell everyone you don't wanna talk about it because 'people might get hurt'.

10. If all else fails, or none of these sound good, there's one final resort. Space. I'm not sure if its out there, but I highly recommend looking into those companies that will fire your ashes into space, and seeing if they'll let you put a cat in the urn. Done.

And you're welcome to drown your sorrows here anytime, but don't forget - everyone prefers a happy drunk. :)